LAS VEGAS, NV – A scientific study conducted at Forlorn University shows ‘thoughts and prayers’, especially immediately after a tragedy, reduce violence by an astounding 0%.
“Wow, zero percent. Quite an accomplishment,” the president stated. “I’ve been shooting off thoughts and prayers like paper towels since Monday morning. I thought I sprained my wrist by how much I’ve been firing them out, but it might’ve come from patting myself on the back so hard.”
While offers of comfort through an expression of concern is certainly not a bad thing, it is completely useless in preventing further tragic events. In fact, the thoughts and prayers often reaffirm it will happen again, giving an inverted sense of condolence to victims. “It’s like they died for nothing,” a relative said. “If this resulted in one step in any direction to reduce the slaughter of American lives by even one, then some of these deaths wouldn’t feel like they were for nothing. Instead, they’re just collateral damage, almost a notch in the bedpost, or gun barrel of statistics everyone is desensitized to.”
“As the bible says, ‘change will happen without action. God helps those who do nothing,’” the president said. “There will be another tragedy, most likely sooner than later, that will make everyone move on from this one.”